Tag Archives: humor

Some things smell worse than other things (deer).

deer smell (2)

Smells are curious things. They fill the forest (and my nose) with either tantalizing or intriguing aromas for what often seems like unknown reasons. In some cases, smells have a very clear-cut origin. If the wind brings me a whiff of burnt meat, I know that humans are cooking some sort of tubular snack on one of those fire spewing tiny dumpsters at the nearby park (those dumpsters are terrifying, by the way).

If I am walking through the forest (presumably looking for berries/acorns/old dirt to eat) and a particularly stinging stench coils up in my nostrils, I know that a skunk (or skunks) have found my presence offensive and have taken it upon themselves to let me and every other forest creature in the immediate area aware of their unhappiness. It makes me wonder what smells I make when I am upset.

But other smells are far more mysterious. At times, smell behavior can be very disorienting and, dare I say it, sinister (and yes, I realize that the aforementioned skunk smell may be considered quite diabolical, but it isn’t; that is simply one forest creature doing what it can do to better its own unique characteristics…or something to that affect…what I am trying to convey is that skunks are nice and my nose forgives them).

At this point, it has been well-documented that my relationship with the deer across the river is a strenuous one, but do not use the following example with any sort of bias: the deer stinks.

It knows it. I know it. It knows that I know it. And it knows that it bothers me.

The smell that permeates from the deer across the river is almost indescribable, but I will do my best to properly illustrate its horror:

If you were to imagine the smell of old fish that had been washed up on dry land for several weeks and for some reason a hawk decided to pluck if from the shore and use it to brush his beak after eating a rodent carcass and then drop that fish/rodent carcass hybrid into the opening of a rotten log that would later be rolled back into the same body of water from where the fish came and that fish was then eaten by a turtle that would later try to cross the flat black rock nearby only to be tragically hit and killed by shiny beasts who live on the flat black rock and left to bake on the black rock for several days before being collected by a human in a jumpsuit and taken to a place where humans in jumpsuits collect dead animals for some strange reason and then tossed into a vat filled with other dead animals (and cheese and rotten potatoes for some other strange reason), the stench of that culminate would be vaguely in the realm of how the deer across the river smells.

And the deer loves that it smells this way. Anytime I drink from the river the deer is sure to let me get a whiff. It stands ever so that the wind picks up the odor and delivers it directly to my nose (as much as I love the omnipresent wind, I often wonder if it conspires against me from time to time, corroborating with nefarious smells or perhaps even the deer). I do not know why the deer smells this way. I understand skunks and grilled meat snacks, but I do not understand how the deer can stand to be so smelly.

It makes me wonder if I also emit an offensive odor. If the deer has somehow gotten used to its own disgusting smell, perhaps I have gotten use to whatever smell I am putting out in the world.

If that were the case, however, someone would have told me by now. I have never been told I smell bad (the skunks would definitely tell me if they thought I was offensive to their what must be their delicate noses).

But the deer doesn’t seem to have any friends to tell him he smells.

There is a good reason for this. Perhaps he smells so horrendous because he has no friends. Or vice versa.

I am not going to tell him. He knows why. One day he will atone for the things he has done. And I will accept his strange smelling atonement. But until that day, the deer across the river will be alone in his smell.

I am a bear.

If you would like to try being a bear, why not read some of the bear adventures available on this very site? 

For any questions or comments directed at Bear, feel free to write to him using this email: justasinglebear@gmail.com

You can also now use Tumblr to address questions to Bear

A lizard slept in my mouth again.

Lizard mouth (2)

It is not uncommon for other creatures to sleep near me while I am sleeping. I think I might produce a considerable amount of heat compared to most things in the forest, so getting comfortable next to me is really more of a survival tactic than anything else.

I usually do not mind this sort of thing. Creatures come and go in my cave, and though they usually try to disguise themselves as to not alert me, I know when they are there. And, honestly, it is fine. In fact, I like being a big warm ball of heat for creatures who might need it, a more approachable sun, I think. That is a nice thought.

Some animals overdo it, however. A tiny mouse once slept in my ear for several days. I only eventually noticed because I had to shake my fur dry after a light rain. When I raddled my head back and forth, a small mouse was catapulted from my ear. He looked upset, and I am sure I looked confused.

The mouse was not the worst offender, however. That honor would go to the lizard who slept in my mouth… The first one anyway.

Surely, my mouth is quite warm. I understand this. However, I really do not think it would be considered an optimal place for anything to sleep in. This is mostly due to the teeth. I have accidentally bitten my tongue and the inside of my cheek many times, so there is not much stopping me from accidentally chomping down on anything else that might be in there.

This daredevil reptile must not have considered that, though. I suppose I must open my mouth during my sleep (perhaps for deep breathing?), so the first lizard must have found just the right moment to slip into mouth without me noticing.

When I woke up, I tasted a mixture of dirt and squirming (if squirming can even have a taste). I spat out whatever was inside my mouth, and there fell a lizard. I did not get time to ask who the lizard was or why the lizard was there since the creature’s tiny legs scrambled to get out of my cave before I could.

I thought it was a one time occurrence. Maybe the lizard was just so desperate for shelter that night that even the mouth of a bear was preferable to the elements outside of that bear.

It happened again, though.

Just recently, another lizard (I have no idea if it was the same one or not) crawled into my mouth while I was sleeping and rested there the entire night.

Wake.

Taste.

Dirt/squirming.

Spit.

Confused.

I was worried this would start a trend, but it was really out of my control. I cannot control what happens to my face while I am asleep, so I just had to accept that there might be some lizards in my mouth every once in awhile.

I hope they needed to sleep there. I do not think it would bother me so much if I knew that the lizards absolutely needed to sleep in my mouth for survival or something.

I hope they were not just playing a trick on me or intentionally making me feel uncomfortable.

Lizards are a strange mystery.

I am a bear.

If you would like to try being a bear, why not read some of the bear adventures available on this very site? 

For any questions or comments directed at Bear, feel free to write to him using this email: justasinglebear@gmail.com

You can also now use Tumblr to address questions to Bear

 

It would be nice to be recognized for my bearness.

bear award (2)

I do not know who would want to recognize me for my bearness, bear like things that I do, and/or the degree to which I am a bear, but it would be nice to be recognized for being a bear by someone at sometime.

I feel like I have accomplished several bear related things that deserve recognition from my peers and community. For example, I found a very interesting looking hat that I was almost able to balance on my head for an extended period of time. I do not remember when, exactly, I found that hat, but I know it was fairly recently. Not a single creature or thing in the forest has congratulated me on such an accomplishment. I thought I heard a tree whisper “good job” to me, but it was just the wind blowing the hat off my ears.

Another accomplishment? I have been a bear the entire time that I have been. I also plan to continue being a bear, another very bear like accomplishment. I am not sure if I actually deserve recognition for simply being a thing that I am, but it would be nice to have someone tell me I was doing a good job at being the thing that I am.

It would be nice.

Maybe I could get the idea going in the forest by recognizing the accomplishments of other forest creatures. “Hello, noisy bird,” I could say. “You are particularly great at being noisy, and I want you to know how terrifically noisy you are.” The bird would feel better about her noisiness, and, who knows, maybe she would be more willing to verbally recognize my bearness or bear activities. “Good job on eating several clumps of moss,” she might say. “You are eating moss better than anyone else eating moss. Keep at it.” And then the cycle would continue as I would then feel better about myself and would be more likely to continue to recognize other creatures in the forest.

Sometimes I have a hard time talking to other creatures, though. Particularly the noisy bird outside my cave. She looks ferocious. It would be hard to be so forward with her or any creature for that matter.

I suppose I should not do things just to be recognized for them, though. I should do things because I want to do them or they should be done. I should do things because they make me happy or make others happy.

Still.

It would be nice.

I am a bear.

If you would like to try being a bear, why not read some of the bear adventures available on this very site? 

For any questions or comments directed at Bear, feel free to write to him using this email: justasinglebear@gmail.com

You can also now use Tumblr to address questions to Bear

Here is a list of things to do in the snow.

The forest has been lucky enough to get a little bit of snow recently. It is always nice to see the colors of the forest shift in such soft seeming ways when snow drops on everything around. Trees, the ground, rocks, and even forest creatures carry the snowy coats until it all melts away.

There are a many things you can do in the snow that you simply cannot do without the snow:

  • Bury your paws into the soft ground
  • Roll around
  • Doodling
  • Change your fur color (black to white for me)
  • Wear water
  • Leave very obvious trails
  • See a white squirrel
  • Trip on things that are covered in snow
  • I am sorry, white squirrel
  • There are several white squirrels
  • They scattered
  • Now they are in a tree?
  • Squirrels, I am  sorry, I did not see you
  • Throw snow that in shaped into tiny balls
  • No those are rocks
  • Throw snow covered rocks
  • Please stop throwing snow covered rocks at me
  • Please
  • This is not fun
  • I do not like the snow
  • I hate the snow
  • Please leave, snow
  • I am going to run back to my cave where there is no snow or squirrels or snow covered rocks or anything like that
  • They are chasing me
  • Stop
  • Please
  • Leave me alone
  • Avoid it
  • You can avoid the snow
  • You can avoid the snow by going somewhere that is covered and will not let the snow inside
  • Like my cave
  • The squirrels are here?
  • How did they get here so quickly?
  • They have snow?
  • There is so much snow in my cave?
  • How did it get here?
  • Did they bring it?
  • Please, stop throwing snow and snow covered rocks at me
  • Run
  • Hide in this dumpster
  • No snow in here
  • No squirrels
  • Everything is okay
  • Sleep here
  • Wake up here
  • Squirrels?
  • How did they find me?
  • Why is there snow here now?
  • Please
  • Run

Snow is terrible, and everything about it is terrible. I do not recommend being around snow.

bear snow (2)

I am a bear.

If you would like to try being a bear, why not read some of the bear adventures available on this very site? 

For any questions or comments directed at Bear, feel free to write to him using this email: justasinglebear@gmail.com

You can also now use Tumblr to address questions to Bear

Do I think about being a bear too much?

bear brain (2)

Often when I say things, I remind myself and others that I am a bear (so much so that if I do not remind myself and others I am a bear, some worry). It is something I cannot help; I am always thinking about how I am a bear. Sometimes I am trying to deeply consider my bearness and how it affects the world and how the world affects it. Other times I am just reminding myself of my bearness.

Either way, I am almost always thinking about being a bear.

Is that a bad thing?

I know it is not good to be obsessed with something, no matter what it is, but is it also not good to be constantly concerned with what or who you are and your place in the world? Normally, I would assume it is fine, but recently, while giving some more thought on my bearness and such, I thought about my thinking of being a bear might not necessarily be the same thing as me actually being a bear.

I am now beginning to worry that I am not being a bear nearly as much as I am thinking about being a bear. What does thinking about being a bear really do for me that being a bear cannot do? I can think all day about being a bear and eating a delicious grease stained napkin from a dumpster that the hypothetical me in my mind might find, but that does not mean I am going to get to eat that delicious grease stained napkin in real life. In fact, that grease stained napkin might not even be real. At least the hypothetical me in my mind is based off something I know is real (the real me), but that napkin? I made it up.

Making things up confuses this even more. I can think about being anything I want. I can think about being a tree or a squirrel or a cloud or a snake or a bird or two bears or a thousand bears. No matter what I think of, however, it does not change my actually being a bear in any way. Also, I do not get to be any of those things I listed. I am not a thousand bears or a snake or a tree. I am just a bear. One, single bear.

So should I think about being a bear less?

It seems impossible to completely stop thinking about being a bear (it is the thing with which I have the most experience), but I should I reduce my bear-thinking habits?

Should I simply be a bear instead?

Or is thinking about being a bear just part of being a bear?

And maybe overthinking about being a bear is just part of being a bear?

And maybe thinking about how thinking about not being a bear and a bunch of other things instead is also just a part of being a bear?

I do not know.

I suppose, for now and until someone or something tells me I am not doing it correctly, I will continue to just be a bear, whatever thinking comes along with being a bear.

I am a bear.

If you would like to try being a bear, why not read some of the bear adventures available on this very site? 

For any questions or comments directed at Bear, feel free to write to him using this email: justasinglebear@gmail.com

You can also now use Tumblr to address questions to Bear

How to approach humans: an important guide by a bear.

humans yell (2)

If you spend enough time in the forest, you will eventually come across a human. Humans are by far the strangest creatures in the forest (and I have my doubts as to whether or not they even actually live in the forest). If you do find yourself in front of a human, it is important to know some facts and guidelines about them, their demeanor, and how/when to approach/avoid them.

Before I go into depth about being actually around a human, I will explain some of the things I know (or speculate about) them:

  • Humans live in plastic triangles (tents) when they do live in the forest
  • Humans carry a lot of things with them
  • Humans also leave a lot of things behind when they abandon their triangles
  • Humans are protective of their dumpsters and keep their most valuable objects in them (including grease stained napkins)
  • Humans come in a great variety of shapes, colors, patterns, and textures
  • Humans are very loud and will direct their loudness at you
  • Humans stay in small groups (2-4)
  • Humans love hats
  • Humans are easily startled
  • Humans can fly (not proven)
  • Humans cannot run fast

Humans seem very scary upon sight, but it is important to remember that humans are generally just as afraid of you as you are of them. That might seem untrue when you hear the way they yell at you when they find you pawing through their seemingly abandoned tents, but always remember: humans are more loud than they are scary.

So what do you do when you find a human or, more likely, a human finds you? You can remember the steps of engaging humans with the helpful acronym H.U.M.A.N:

How many are there?

  • How many humans are there? Are they clearly in a group? You are far less likely to encounter a single human, so remember that even if you only see one human, there are likely more close by.

Understand their motives.

  • What do these humans want? Most humans seem driven by a desire to leave things around in the forest and yelling. If you see a human, he/she is likely about to do one of those two things: yell or drop something. You can tell by looking at their mouths and hands. Is the human’s mouth open? He/she is probably going to yell. Is there something in the human’s hand? He/she is probably about to drop that something and leave it there. Just wait for the human to leave before you take it so you can avoid the yelling, which leads of us to…

Making sounds?

  • Is the human making sounds? If so, that human is probably about to yell. Is the human yelling at you, specifically? Maybe at another human? Maybe at the trees? Maybe the human is just yelling because he/she likes to yell? It can be hard to tell, but nobody likes to be yelled at or be near someone who is about to yell, so remember how much humans love to do it.

Assess the situation.

  • Use the previous steps to create an assessment of your current human situation. You need to understand everything about what the human is doing and what the human wants. Once you have all of the details assessed, you must…

…Now run.

  • Always run away from humans. They will not chase you and, even if they do, they are not very fast. Frankly, you should probably just skip to this step of the process for every encounter you have with humans.

Humans are scary, there is no around that, but by using the H.U.M.A.N process (or at least the last step of it), you can avoid being yelled at by them.

Good luck with your future human encounters.

I am a bear.

If you would like to try being a bear, why not read some of the bear adventures available on this very site? 

For any questions or comments directed at Bear, feel free to write to him using this email: justasinglebear@gmail.com

You can also now use Tumblr to address questions to Bear.

I got stuck in a hollow log for awhile.

Log bear (2)

It smelled good.

That was the original reason I had for poking my head into the hollow log I found in the forest, a little ways away from the river and across from the very interesting looking pile of rocks.

Moss?

Mold?

Some kind of mushroom?

A mouse carcass?

I had no idea what I was smelling, but I knew that it was a lovely smell that I wanted to investigate.

So I did.

When my snout scooted into the log, I felt the waft of the smell hit my face. It was delightful, so I continued to squeeze every part of me I could fit into the hollow log. It took quite some time to get inside, but after some honest labor, I got into the log.

I spent a long time sniffing the log. Enjoying the smells. Licking the old mold I was sitting in. It was a lovely time, but I knew I would eventually have to go.

So I tried to leave.

But I was unable to.

I struggled as I thrashed my limbs and wiggled my belly. I kept trying to slide my way through the hollow log, but I was stuck.

And then I got scared.

What if I got stuck here forever?

And then I took a nap.

I decided that being asleep would be easier than facing any difficult question that would only worry me more than solve the problem, so I napped. It was a nice nap, and I figured by the time I woke up, the log problem would have fixed itself.

I was wrong.

I woke up to find that I was still very much stuck in the hollow log, and, though it still smelled lovely, the mixture of mold and moss and rain water was beginning to not feel great on my belly fur.

I thrashed some more, and I could not get out.

I was stuck, and no amount of napping was going to change that.

For awhile, I passed the time by staring at the inside of the log. It had some neat looking cracks and lines and little bugs crawling in and out, but I eventually got bored of that scene, so I stared at the ground for awhile. Again, neat looking in its texture and bugs and the water tasted fantastic, but I got bored.

I was alone with my thoughts. And those thoughts focused on the idea of me never getting out of that log. I considered the possibilities of this existence. I would have to live off of bugs and mold (which is okay), and I would never see so many important things ever again (dumpsters, light poles, other logs, etc.). Perhaps I would become known around the forest as the log-bear, the bear who never leaves his log because he cannot. It was an interesting idea, but, ultimately, it just made me sad.

When my thoughts wandered from the thought of never leaving the log (my likely future), I started to think about my past, particularly all of the mistakes that had led me to this fate. Why would I be so ready to wander into this log? Why would I succumb to the desire to find whatever was in the log? Did I deserve this?

Why was it too late to make any of this right?

I let out a small growl/howl sound. It was a sound of frustration and anger and regret. And then the log broke. It shattered into a million wooden shards.

I was free, and I should have taken that moment to be thankful for my lucky turn of events or to at least meditate on how I could have avoided this situation.

Instead, I ran.

I ran to my cave and napped again.

I am a bear.

If you would like to try being a bear, why not read some of the bear adventures available on this very site? 

For any questions or comments directed at Bear, feel free to write to him using this email: justasinglebear@gmail.com

You can also now use Tumblr to address questions to Bear.

The immortal space lizard I never knew but really missed when he was gone.

I had a dream about an immortal space lizard.

Bowie lizard (2)

The space lizard landed in the forest one day and explained that he was from Mars (I do not know where that is or what that is) and had decided to stop by the forest to show woodland creatures how to be free from the social, artistic, and culture expectations and realities set forth by the forest.

I was confused by his words, but I liked the way the space lizard talked. Also, he had a very neat orange bolt shape on his face. I liked that.

I also liked listening to him. He seemed to know about the forest and all the forest creatures. He was able to sing to them and about them so fluidly. In my dream, he put on a small show of music using his voice and a tiny stick that had stretched out hairs on it. It was nice.

Again, though, I was confused, but everything about the space lizard made me want to be like the space lizard even though I knew I could never be a space lizard because I am not immortal and I am not from Mars and I do not know how to sing and I am very large and furry and not skinny and pretty (yes, he was very pretty) like a space lizard at all. But the space lizard was so effortlessly a space lizard that I felt like even I, a bear, could be a space lizard,

In my dream, he was in the forest for a very long time. He was such a normal part of the forest that everyone, myself included, got used to him. He was our space lizard (even though we knew he really was not), so we all grew comfortable with him, thinking he would never leave us.

But he did. Eventually, the space lizard told us he had to go. He had done so much in the forest and had to go to another forest somewhere else. He flew off quite quickly and without warning, and I think he even had fire coming out of his legs when he flew away. It was intense. Nobody in the forest knew how to take his leaving. He had been with us for so long that the forest seemed empty without him.

Then I woke up.

I never actually knew an immortal space lizard, but it was nice to have a dream about him. It was nice to think about someone like him existing and making the whole forest a nicer and happier (and stranger) place. I did not know him, but I still feel like I miss him.

I am a bear.

If you would like to try being a bear, why not read some of the bear adventures available on this very site? 

For any questions or comments directed at Bear, feel free to write to him using this email: justasinglebear@gmail.com

You can also now use Tumblr to address questions to Bear.

 

Do trees care about me?

tree face (2)

I cannot tell whether or not trees care about me.

I have known about trees practically all of my life, and for as long as I have been aware of them, I have assumed they have had as much care and interest in me as I have had in them. That is why I tell trees my every woe and discontent. That is why I spend so much time staring at trees and waiting for them to speak back. That is why I have been so patient with trees even when they do things like almost fall on me or not support my weight on their limbs or provide shade for hostile creatures like the deer across the river.

I have given trees a lot of my time and energy, and I have always assumed that such time and energy were reciprocated. However, a recent event has made me question the trees’ dedication to me.

I was sitting under a tree, gathering shade and enjoying the scratchiness of its bark, when I noticed something interesting about the tree: it was a home. The tree had a large number of tiny ants climbing in and out of its base through small holes and between scales of bark. It was a fascinating sight, and I spent quite some time just staring at it.

Right in the middle of taking in the majesty of these ants, a limb from the tree fell onto my head.

That is okay. That has happened before. It will happen again. It did, though, make me think: why do the ants get to live here? Ants live in this tree and the tree is perfectly fine with it. Do I get to live in this tree? No. In fact, this tree attacks me when I use it for shade. And every time I have slept in the branches of it, I have fallen out of the tree, finding myself slamming into the forest floor, far below the tree.

During this thought, I considered the ants. Despite being able to live here, I am sure there are some things about this tree the ants do not get to enjoy. What if a limb falls on them? A limb that would leave a bump on my head would completely destroy them.

I do not think that tree (or any tree) hates me or the ants. I think trees might just be indifferent. They provide wonderful shade and lovely homes for some creatures, but they can also crush us and throw us from their tops, and they seem to do this indiscriminately.

I thought trees were there for me. For the ants. For the creatures of the forest. I do not think they are there for themselves, but they are definitely not here for any of us. Maybe trees just are. Trees are just here to be trees, whether that helps or hurts us is more up to us than it is to any tree.

I am a bear.

If you would like to try being a bear, why not read some of the bear adventures available on this very site? 

For any questions or comments directed at Bear, feel free to write to him using this email: justasinglebear@gmail.com

You can also now use Tumblr to address questions to Bear.

Why do I have to not be a bear eventually?

not forever (2)

Can you win at living in the forest? Does living in the forest stop when you do well enough, or is the only end similar to the end of the anthill I accidentally sat on: nonexistence?

I have never heard of anyone successfully finding an ending to forest living other than the one detailed with my ant experience. That does not mean there is not another way out of forest living. Perhaps achieving it means being taken away from the forest, thus it would be difficult for anyone who has experienced it to communicate its existence to anyone who has not experienced it. Maybe there is a particular set of actions and mindsets that will help you not end up being the bird carcass I found inside my cave the other day. Maybe you can end up not nonexisting. Maybe you can keep being the thing you like being forever and ever no matter what.

I do not know.

Nobody does.

But I cannot help but to obsess over the possibility when I think about not being a bear (or an anything else for that matter). It is terrifying. I want to keep being a bear, and it seems strange to me that eventually, no matter what, I have to not be a bear.

Why do I have to not be a bear eventually? Why was I designed to be a bear so well for so long, only to have it eventually taken from me for no reason that I can figure out?

Why be a bear only to eventually not be a bear?

The most frustrating part about these questions is how useless everyone and everything seems to be when it comes to answering them. Trees? Nothing in regard to these questions. Squirrels? They seem unable to think beyond a few seconds ago and a few seconds from now. The sky? Well, the sky never says anything, so that is silly to even consider. For awhile I figured rocks might know (the depth of their wisdom is only matched by the hardness of their being and their effectiveness in chipping my teeth when I chew on them), but if they do, they are not sharing the answers.

It would be nice to at least have some kind of encouragement when these matters, some kind of reassurance that not everything about existing beyond right here and now is so daunting and terrifying. Nothing provides that, though. And, in fact, the forest is littered with clues to point to the opposite. Everything that stops being a thing in the forest does not get to do so gracefully. In fact, most things are just eaten or simply rot away (I cannot fault the forest too much for this, after all, since I do a lot of said eating).

So how can I win at living in the forest? What can I do to keep being a bear and not face not being a bear? What does the forest want from me in return?

Or do I need to just accept that I might not be a bear one day?

I am a bear.

If you would like to try being a bear, why not read some of the bear adventures available on this very site? 

For any questions or comments directed at Bear, feel free to write to him using this email: justasinglebear@gmail.com

You can also now use Tumblr to address questions to Bear.