How to find, approach, and handle human caves.

human cave (2)

How to find, approach, and handle human caves:

  • Begin by finding where a human smell is coming from (dumpsters are good places to start)
  • Follow human smell (again, dumpsters and humans have many aromas in common)
  • Once a human smell is pinpointed, assess the area
  • You will likely see a large structure made out of rocks or mutilated trees, these are human caves
  • Instead of being inside of something like most caves, human caves have many sides, making finding an entrance difficult
  • Follow the sides of the human cave until you happen upon a more decorated mutilated tree (humans probably hate trees (there is no way to tell why (maybe trees did something mean to them)))
  • Begin scratching, clawing, biting, pressing heaviest side of body against the decorated mutilated tree
  • Repeat until decorated mutilated tree is ajar or
  • I broke the decorated mutilated tree
  • I hope the humans do not mind
  • Upon entering a human cave, begin searching for more smells similar to dumpsters
  • These smells are generally found in another tiny cave that is cold and kept inside the human cave (a cave within a cave)
  • Repeat decorated mutilated tree process to second tiny cave to gain entrance
  • Once tiny cave inside large human cave is here, begin eating things that are causing dumpster smells and all other smells that are also interesting to you
  • Ignore the sounds of aggressive stepping as you continue eating from the tiny second cave, they probably belong to a jealous raccoon
  • Ow
  • Please
  • Stop throwing things at me
  • Please
  • Ow
  • Ouch
  • Ooooooo
  • My ears
  • Please
  • That thing was pointy
  • Begin to leave the premises of the second tiny cave if a human seems aggravated by your perusal of it
  • Sit on this comfortable, lumpy soft thing instead
  • Ow
  • Please
  • Humans do not like it when you sit on their comfortable lumpy things either
  • Consider leaving the human cave upon the appearance of humans
  • Why
  • I am leaving, please stop
  • Ow
  • Try to fix the mutilated decorated tree you broke when you entered the human cave
  • It seems very heavy
  • Ow
  • Humans might hit you with more and different types of mutilated trees (pole one with straws on it hurts)
  • Try to reason with humans if they get too hostile
  • Why would they keep throwing things at me when I am simply trying to explain to them that I did not mean to break their mutilated decorated tree entrance
  • Consider complimenting the humans for having a cave that smells like a dumpster (very high praise)
  • Ouch
  • The last thing they threw sounded sharp
  • Leave
  • Leave the human cave
  • They clearly do not want you there
  • They are running after you
  • Run
  • Go back to your cave and sleep on the collection of mold covered rocks you have that do not smell like a dumpster but are still very nice to be around
  • Do not approach or handle or even find human caves

I am a bear.

If you would like to try being a bear, why not read some of the bear adventures available on this very site? 

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