How to find, approach, and handle human caves.

human cave (2)

How to find, approach, and handle human caves:

  • Begin by finding where a human smell is coming from (dumpsters are good places to start)
  • Follow human smell (again, dumpsters and humans have many aromas in common)
  • Once a human smell is pinpointed, assess the area
  • You will likely see a large structure made out of rocks or mutilated trees, these are human caves
  • Instead of being inside of something like most caves, human caves have many sides, making finding an entrance difficult
  • Follow the sides of the human cave until you happen upon a more decorated mutilated tree (humans probably hate trees (there is no way to tell why (maybe trees did something mean to them)))
  • Begin scratching, clawing, biting, pressing heaviest side of body against the decorated mutilated tree
  • Repeat until decorated mutilated tree is ajar or
  • I broke the decorated mutilated tree
  • I hope the humans do not mind
  • Upon entering a human cave, begin searching for more smells similar to dumpsters
  • These smells are generally found in another tiny cave that is cold and kept inside the human cave (a cave within a cave)
  • Repeat decorated mutilated tree process to second tiny cave to gain entrance
  • Once tiny cave inside large human cave is here, begin eating things that are causing dumpster smells and all other smells that are also interesting to you
  • Ignore the sounds of aggressive stepping as you continue eating from the tiny second cave, they probably belong to a jealous raccoon
  • Ow
  • Please
  • Stop throwing things at me
  • Please
  • Ow
  • Ouch
  • Ooooooo
  • My ears
  • Please
  • That thing was pointy
  • Begin to leave the premises of the second tiny cave if a human seems aggravated by your perusal of it
  • Sit on this comfortable, lumpy soft thing instead
  • Ow
  • Please
  • Humans do not like it when you sit on their comfortable lumpy things either
  • Consider leaving the human cave upon the appearance of humans
  • Why
  • I am leaving, please stop
  • Ow
  • Try to fix the mutilated decorated tree you broke when you entered the human cave
  • It seems very heavy
  • Ow
  • Humans might hit you with more and different types of mutilated trees (pole one with straws on it hurts)
  • Try to reason with humans if they get too hostile
  • Why would they keep throwing things at me when I am simply trying to explain to them that I did not mean to break their mutilated decorated tree entrance
  • Consider complimenting the humans for having a cave that smells like a dumpster (very high praise)
  • Ouch
  • The last thing they threw sounded sharp
  • Leave
  • Leave the human cave
  • They clearly do not want you there
  • They are running after you
  • Run
  • Go back to your cave and sleep on the collection of mold covered rocks you have that do not smell like a dumpster but are still very nice to be around
  • Do not approach or handle or even find human caves

I am a bear.

If you would like to try being a bear, why not read some of the bear adventures available on this very site? 

For any questions or comments directed at Bear, feel free to write to him using this email: justasinglebear@gmail.com

You can also now use Tumblr to address questions to Bear. Also, you can find bear photos and such on Bear’s Instagram, and don’t forget to “like” Bear on the book of faces.

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