Recently, I asked some humans if they had any questions about being a bear or needed advice from a bear. I received many questions from many lovely humans searching for bear guidance, help, information, and companionship. I responded to as many as I could here. I am sorry if I did not get to your question. I will try answering more at another time. Please enjoy!

 

Human Question:

Bear Answer:
Carefully and with great strain. Sometimes I use my tongue.

 

Human Question:

Bear Answer:
Why would you want to get rid of something that smells so lovely? There is really no need to not have wet fur.

 

Human Question:

Bear Answer:
Do not throw rocks at me.

 

Human Question:

Bear Answer:
Not that I know of, no.

 

Human Question:

Bear Answer:
The best thing to do is not always the easiest. For example, one time I ate a plastic bag I found in the dumpster because it had some peanut butter in it. Eating that plastic bag was one of the hardest things I have ever done, yet I knew it was the right thing to do. If what you are changing does more good than harm, then maybe you are doing something right. Unless that harm is something really bad like suffocating baby animals or killing the sun or saying something mean to the moon. Then you should rethink things. Ultimately, my advice: always eat the plastic bag if it has even the slightest amount of peanut butter inside it and if the plastic bag is not going to suffocate a baby animal. Always.

 

Human Question:

Bear Answer:
I only recommend taking selfies with me if you have an offering to go along with it. If you give me bread or a very well sculpted rabbit skeleton as a gift, I believe you have earned a picture with me. I do not know why you would want a picture with me, but I do not want to belittle what you consider an achievement.

 

Human Question:

Bear Answer:
I wish I knew the answer to this. They look like kind and gentle creatures (because of their fluffy tails), but no creature is more untrustworthy than a squirrel.

 

Human Question:

Bear Answer:
Yes.

 

Human Question:

Bear Answer:
I do not know any other bears, and I have limited experiences with them. I do have other forest companions (even Rob (the squirrel) despite his disposition), but I do spend a great deal of time alone. This time is usually spent staring at things, trying to understand things, or smelling things. A lot of my time is spent smelling things.

 

Human Question:

Bear Answer:
One of my earliest memories is of a moment when I was sitting next to a tiny bear. I, too, was a tiny bear at the time. I remember asking the tiny bear what we were supposed to be doing as bears. It did not say anything to me. It just licked my face and then walked away. I do not remember ever seeing that bear again. So, I guess other bears are fine if not a tad bit strange.

 

Human Question:

Bear Answer:
I believe that if everyone focused more on sleeping and eating and smelling new smells, then there would be much more peace around the world. Though squirrels and deer would likely ruin it. Because of squirrels and deer, world peace is probably impossible.

 

Human Question:

Bear Answer:
You become a bear by being a bear. I wish I had a more thorough answer for you.

 

Human Question:

Bear Answer:
Maybe you should go, despite any trouble it might bring. Though staying might lead to at least twice the amount of trouble the previously mentioned going would. You are on your own with this one.

 

Human Question:

Bear Answer:
They are unpredictable. One minute a raccoon will be bringing you piles of leaves for you to sleep on, the next it will be hissing at you because there is not enough room in the dumpster you are sharing with it. They have violent mood swings but can also be good friends.

 

Human Question:

Bear Answer:
If you are a bear, you can be a bear. So just ask yourself: am I a bear? If you answer yes, you are likely a bear. Enjoy your time in the forest.

 

Human Question:

Bear Answer:
I generally eat too much of everything I eat. And everything I eat tends to be my favorite thing to eat. Therefore, I always eat too much of my favorite thing to eat. The only time this behavior backfires on me is when I eat too much of something I probably should not eat (e.g. rocks, pieces of wood, and cardboard).

 

Human Question:

Bear Answer:

I am not sick of it, but it does seem very strange to me. I realize that all of our bodies must do something to that effect at some point in time. And I also realize that the natural environment for me to do that in would be the forest. However, many people still have questions about that process. I cannot fault their curiosity.

Human Question:

Bear Answer:
Honey is very good, but you have to fight bees to get it. That can take a severe mental and physical toll, so I usually do not indulge in honey. Bees are good creatures, so killing them en masse for some delicious nectar seems far too aggressive.

Human Question:

Bear Answer:
I do not recommend being a dinosaur. Try to be something better and less dead like a opossum or a ladybug or maybe even a tree.

 

Human Question:

Bear Answer:
I have not seen Rob (the squirrel) in a couple of days. However, I am always suspicious of his presence. I must be constantly vigilant in my pursuit to avoid his tricks and upsetting behavior. Squirrels are tricky.

 

Human Question:

Bear Answer:
Having claws is very lovely. You can grab fruit more easily and scratch trees. I think everyone should have a good set of claws.

 

Human Question:

Bear Answer:
Black. I think. Maybe grey-ish black-ish? I am not entirely sure. I am a bear.

 

Human Question:

Bear Answer:
My advice on how to approach female humans is the same advice I would give on approaching male humans: wait for the humans to leave their camping grounds and eat their marshmallows because marshmallows are very hard to find in the forest but they must be easy for humans to find because they always seem to have marshmallows. Why do you humans always have marshmallows? Please tell me how to get them without stealing from you.

 

Human Question:

Bear Answer:
Only by accident.

 

Human Question:

Bear Answer:
Pet it. It has probably had a rough life.

 

Human Question:

Bear Answer:
Yes. No. I do not blame you for having that fear.

 

Human Question:

Bear Answer:
Squeeze harder or stop squeezing so hard (depending on what the recipient of the hug is complaining about since hug feedback is a very important aspect of hugging culture).

 

Human Question:

Bear Answer:
A pristine rabbit skeleton balances the dark emptiness of any cave, making it must easier to think and focus while you rest in your domicile (I assume you live in a cave).

 

Thank you for asking so many wonderful questions. Again, I am sorry if I did not get to yours personally (there were quite a few). I will try to answer more at another time. For now, you can go look at more of my bear thoughts on Twitter or try being a bear with my choose-your-own-bear-adventure story.

-A bear